What is this?

I keep getting back to this place of stopping because I am too overwhelmed. I judge my work. I don’t like it. I don’t know the point of it. Who cares? Nobody is going to like it. How am I going to make money out of this. I am too weird. I am idealistic and unrealistic. I am slow. I am inconsistent. On and on it goes. And of course the only outcome of giving any attention to this noise is inaction.

Everything stops and as I have mentioned many times before it seems there is a blocking happening in my being. I don’t feel good. I start feeling sad and down. Or rather feeling uneasy. Uncomfortable. I feel a knot in my throat or sometimes in my belly. What is this? Why do I do this to myself? What I am afraid of? Why do I care?

Instead letting this mysterious energy flow through and move me to action even when I don’t exactly know where it is going and where it is taking me, I feel at peace. When I trust it and just give myself to it, I come to life. My body, heart and mind feels synched. I feel happy and upbeat. I start dancing and making crazy noises. Something strong starts raising and flowing through me.

I have blocked this energy for years. More than twenty years. And still to this day I keep rethinking it. Every time I come across a comment or suggestion from outside about how I should do things I freeze. I am trying to listen. I don’t want to be an arrogant dickhead who does his own thing. I don’t know anything. I am nobody. I have nothing to say. But this force wants to be expressed. It wants to be expressed through me.

After many many years of questioning, denying, researching, exploring and looking for answers the only thing that I have found that calms me down and makes peace between us is action. Creating, building and publishing.

When I am making something, everything disappears. Time and space doesn’t exist anymore. I feel comfortable in my skin. I don’t need to explain anything to anyone or try to convince them how this is a good idea. Again I am nobody, I don’t know anything. But the only way left for me is to do this. I have no answers. I don’t know about the business of it or what the ROI is going to be. All I know is that I have to make and publish.

That is the only answer that I have found so far.

This little essay was written the same way. It just flow through me. And I am happy that I got out of its way. I don’t have the energy to block it anymore. I give up. I am going to do the work and witness what unfolds.