I am talking about Pampam

She was one of my first housemates. Probably one of the most annoying ones. She shat in the sync. Woke me up in the mornings meowing behind my door because she was hungry. She ran around the neighbourhood sleeping around until one of those bastards knocked her up.

She delivered the babies in the middle of a room, dragging herself across the floor, looking all confused as if she had no idea why some little kitties were coming out of her.

Josef, a Chinese friend who I don’t remember his real name adopted her. Not that he was a cat lover or anything. He was just bored. He didn’t really took care of her. He didn’t even knew she got pregnant and ended up abandoning her at the end.

He was a great cook though. I am talking about Joseph. He made me some crazy delicious meals exactly how his mom cooked. Real Chinese food. I still can remember the taste of that food. I liked Joesph. We were good friends.

Pampam ended up getting adopted by a new housemate. Rikki. I think she is still living with her. Rikki loves Pampam. She is a great Mom.

…

Writing is one of the other creative outlets that I use to enjoy. I love writing. In the last few years I have been journaling a lot which got me started with writing again.

I remember back in school, when I was a teenager, writing was one those other subjects that I really enjoyed. So I am writing more. Like all the other things that I am doing at the moment, I have no idea where it is going to go, but I am doing it anyway. There is something enough here for me to do a little writing everyday. So I am going to do it.

To be honest, a lot of things that I am doing these days are the same. Maybe I can even say, for most of us life has become really that way as well. We don’t know where thing are going. Everything is uncertain, but there is something there that keeps moving us forward. To keep going.

I think life has always been like that. The recent events has just made that super clear for us. We never knew where things are going. We would never know. We can only live the present moment. All the other thoughts about future is a nothing but an illusion. We can not predict. Life is unpredictable.

I have gone through a lot of pain and misery over the last couple of decades. Feeling paralysed by the thoughts of how everting is going to be. What is going to happen? What should I do? Which way is the right way? On and on speculating and getting lost in the illusions of what it could be.

Until what happened last year that put everting in perspective for me. Everything can change in a moment. We have no idea what is going on and what would happen. So let go. Let it be. Don’t fight it. You can not fight it anyway. You go only let go. Life is moving and is taking us with it. Out of hospital, therapy and the rest, the most powerful thing that has been helping me has been letting go.

Doesn’t matter how uncertain and scary it looks. More I let go, the easer and better it gets. Not detaching, but letting go. When I let go, when I don’t fight, I can see more, I can feel more. I make better decisions. Not everything hurts. And maybe even at times there are glimpses of joy and wisdom.