The idea of becoming a professional artist and designer has been in my head for a long time now. Perhaps for about ten years I have been trying to archived that. Making money doing creative work. That has been the dream. I am not there yet. Although I feel I am closer than I have ever been.
This has been my path of self discovery. I am not doing any of it for vanity. Be it fame or money. I am pursuing this because It makes sense to who I am. How I think, see and feel life. It has been a path of healing and betterment. A path of purification from all the rage and sadness that I have experienced in my life. It is the practice of being free, joyful and bright everyday. This has been my experience of living a good life. The practice of learning and growing soul and mind. The practice of finding faith.
I have learned a lot about myself and life. I have fallen many times. Sometimes harder than other times. One time I even when as far as the end line. But somehow stayed alive. And I am here now. I feel I am more patient than ever. More aware.
Recently the resistant has showed up in many forms and messages form variety of directions. But the intuition, the calling and the urge is still there. Whispering quietly in my heart; “be patient and keep going”.
I doubt and question the quest. Am I delusional? Is this wishful thinking? Can I see clearly? I don’t know. But I don’t see any other way. So I get up, shake it off and keep moving.
He is younger than me. Four years younger. Recently, he got forced to close up a project that he was working on for the last two years. Because of external forces which were out of his control. This was the second big project that he invested a lot of time and effort which didn’t come to fruition. He is strong, but he was complaining about how he had been working for the last 15 years and still has not gone anywhere. He keeps repeating how hard he has been working and still noting. Which made me think, mate, things take a long time.
All the fulfilled people that I know didn’t get there until their forties. Mostly late forties. Things take a long time.
That is how I see my own journey as well. I have sacrificed a lot of things. It has been a very difficult journey and still seemingly there are no results. I have been ridiculed and laughed out. People have been judging me left, right and centre. It has been a very isolating and lonely journey. Although internally has made sense. I have had enormous amount of growth and I am more at peace and joyful than ever. But the journey is still difficult. Some days the overwhelming feeling and thoughts stop me from doing anything. But there is no other way. Be patient and keep going.